Conquering the Fast Day 3 of 7

Yesterday was better than before. I had a fairly productive day, and had more revelations. I am still awaiting a few answers from God to get clarity about a few issues. Issues like going to school in New York, I realized I had never properly prayed about it. New opportunities have arisen like doing a documentary on the inauguration with my film buddies. Most of all what do I do with this self image mess. I simply jst asked God to give me a perception of things from his eye view.

I did not crack although towards the end of the evening I began to experience nausea and headaches again. I thankfully to Christ did not allow that to let me stop at just anywhere and eat just anything. I got a sub from Subway and spent 5 bucks, no chips no drinks. I got tuna and filled it with veggies. I had no more than a cup of tea when I got home, however I only had about 6 cups of water.

This morning I woke up early and found out that my cousin was in bad shape in the hospital. A few hours later I found out that she has passed on. I began to think about my feelings and emotions and I figure that now during this time of fasting and praying that I should deal with my issues regarding death. I have never been highly emotional about it and can never bring myself to cry. This has all the elements though I mean I look talk and act just like my cousin Sheila and I looked up to her. I really love her, but she's been battling with breast cancer and though it was in remission it allowed pneumonia to come along and take her earth life. I should be devastated, and the only thing that makes me sad is that im not very sad.

For years i've battled with thoughts that maybe I could have traits of a sociopath. I don;t ever get highly emotional about much, I do cry but my sensitivity cuts in more out of empathy and sympathy than personal experiences. My connections in life are just different than most. I grew up with an understanding of death and never witnessed my mother fall all outon a casket or even cry over a death. Even when her parents died, or when she buried her brother or her god parents. She always remained so positive and always claimed to know. She'd get a weird chill that ran down her arm and she would say that someone was about to die, and someone close to the family or in our neighborhood would die.

I think I have those senses too. I knew when I heard she was not doing well that she would die this morning. Plus recently i've been been catching death headlines more than usual and had a feeling that it's that time to bury someone I know. Sometimes you just feel it, and so when you know, I guess it makes it easier when it happens.

I woke up this morning freaking out around 5:50, it was still dark outside and I heard a bus going by, I woke up and the bus was so loud and seemed like it was passing by forever and I saw my phone lighting up but it looked as if the flashing light was coming from outside. I thought immediately that armed forces were outside and something life changing and really bad was about to happen. It took me about 2 minutes to realize that this was all in my head. But looking back on it, I think that I have a morbid connection to tragedy in a sense and being that I could feel sadness and pain, I knew that death was in the air.

So I fight with the devil telling me that im sick in the mind that i have no feelings, but I know that's not true, I hurt and I cry and I feel sadness and happiness, and joy. But I think God is revealing to me that I have a strength, and a 6th sense for understanding that there is another life, and I deem death to be an extension of ones life, not the end. I also know that I can't go where they are going right now, and it sucks not to have them around but it is inevitable. So it's a strength not a brain malfunction. Anyway I will pray on that understanding so that I may be in peace with her death as well as my emotions.