I am back at the Lord's table for my daily meal. I started this program months ago, and made it to day 9 before I completely put it out of my daily routine. My good friend Nicole stayed on me for months until I started again, then I stopped again. I then had the audacity to tell someone else about how wonderful the program is. I suck!! So as Quiana kept her daily emails coming to me to hold her accountable, I decided it was time for me to start again.
I realized today that I have asked God to fight a few battles that were not his to win. I wanted to lose weight for vanity reasons, clear my skin up for vanity sake and even my financial battle was not completely for the right reason. Why would I ask you to fight a battle you would not prosper the spoils of winning. So now I must ask God to fight the one battle that counts, changing my heart! This one is the war of all wars and everything else are the battle that will be won accordingly. The outcome of changing my heart is 100 percent for the Glory of God, and that I can rest assure that her will do.
See ya tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Day 3 of 7 Consecration Journey
1st Corinthians 10:13
I find this and all scriptures to be incredibly true, but right now this applies to a massive truth in my life. During this 7 day fast already I have felt stronger than ever. I started my fast by praying to God for the will to want to fast and to teach my obedience. I have not jumped to perfection of discipline, however I have at least completed two days of intentional fasting and devotions. The lord will allow you to be tempted but if you don't want to give in, guess what, you don't have to. If you say, "Lord, I want to stay obedient, I do not want to give in to this temptation, I want to continue to make you happy, and I feel weak", all you have to do is stop and look for the exit door, because I guarantee it will be there.
Right now I'm being tempted to believe lies about my character, what happens next once I believe those lies is I take them, and I become them, and I boast about them to not be insecure. I am being told to believe that I am just insensitive and somethings wrong with me or that im pushing my feelings to back on my mind only to have them explode later. Of course it's all Satan's whispers, but I know God's voice from his and I know that's not true. I have to believe that I am simply strong with a really healthy understanding of death and life.
I also find myself being tempted by my extreme sense of ADD so as I think about this scripture, the phone rings then I found myself watching the hills for another 5 min, only to remember I hadn't finished my devotional and come back to it. Today I think is a day that i should sit in silence, get some work done and pray for God to reveal whatever he wants to me.
I find this and all scriptures to be incredibly true, but right now this applies to a massive truth in my life. During this 7 day fast already I have felt stronger than ever. I started my fast by praying to God for the will to want to fast and to teach my obedience. I have not jumped to perfection of discipline, however I have at least completed two days of intentional fasting and devotions. The lord will allow you to be tempted but if you don't want to give in, guess what, you don't have to. If you say, "Lord, I want to stay obedient, I do not want to give in to this temptation, I want to continue to make you happy, and I feel weak", all you have to do is stop and look for the exit door, because I guarantee it will be there.
Right now I'm being tempted to believe lies about my character, what happens next once I believe those lies is I take them, and I become them, and I boast about them to not be insecure. I am being told to believe that I am just insensitive and somethings wrong with me or that im pushing my feelings to back on my mind only to have them explode later. Of course it's all Satan's whispers, but I know God's voice from his and I know that's not true. I have to believe that I am simply strong with a really healthy understanding of death and life.
I also find myself being tempted by my extreme sense of ADD so as I think about this scripture, the phone rings then I found myself watching the hills for another 5 min, only to remember I hadn't finished my devotional and come back to it. Today I think is a day that i should sit in silence, get some work done and pray for God to reveal whatever he wants to me.
Conquering the Fast Day 3 of 7
Yesterday was better than before. I had a fairly productive day, and had more revelations. I am still awaiting a few answers from God to get clarity about a few issues. Issues like going to school in New York, I realized I had never properly prayed about it. New opportunities have arisen like doing a documentary on the inauguration with my film buddies. Most of all what do I do with this self image mess. I simply jst asked God to give me a perception of things from his eye view.
I did not crack although towards the end of the evening I began to experience nausea and headaches again. I thankfully to Christ did not allow that to let me stop at just anywhere and eat just anything. I got a sub from Subway and spent 5 bucks, no chips no drinks. I got tuna and filled it with veggies. I had no more than a cup of tea when I got home, however I only had about 6 cups of water.
This morning I woke up early and found out that my cousin was in bad shape in the hospital. A few hours later I found out that she has passed on. I began to think about my feelings and emotions and I figure that now during this time of fasting and praying that I should deal with my issues regarding death. I have never been highly emotional about it and can never bring myself to cry. This has all the elements though I mean I look talk and act just like my cousin Sheila and I looked up to her. I really love her, but she's been battling with breast cancer and though it was in remission it allowed pneumonia to come along and take her earth life. I should be devastated, and the only thing that makes me sad is that im not very sad.
For years i've battled with thoughts that maybe I could have traits of a sociopath. I don;t ever get highly emotional about much, I do cry but my sensitivity cuts in more out of empathy and sympathy than personal experiences. My connections in life are just different than most. I grew up with an understanding of death and never witnessed my mother fall all outon a casket or even cry over a death. Even when her parents died, or when she buried her brother or her god parents. She always remained so positive and always claimed to know. She'd get a weird chill that ran down her arm and she would say that someone was about to die, and someone close to the family or in our neighborhood would die.
I think I have those senses too. I knew when I heard she was not doing well that she would die this morning. Plus recently i've been been catching death headlines more than usual and had a feeling that it's that time to bury someone I know. Sometimes you just feel it, and so when you know, I guess it makes it easier when it happens.
I woke up this morning freaking out around 5:50, it was still dark outside and I heard a bus going by, I woke up and the bus was so loud and seemed like it was passing by forever and I saw my phone lighting up but it looked as if the flashing light was coming from outside. I thought immediately that armed forces were outside and something life changing and really bad was about to happen. It took me about 2 minutes to realize that this was all in my head. But looking back on it, I think that I have a morbid connection to tragedy in a sense and being that I could feel sadness and pain, I knew that death was in the air.
So I fight with the devil telling me that im sick in the mind that i have no feelings, but I know that's not true, I hurt and I cry and I feel sadness and happiness, and joy. But I think God is revealing to me that I have a strength, and a 6th sense for understanding that there is another life, and I deem death to be an extension of ones life, not the end. I also know that I can't go where they are going right now, and it sucks not to have them around but it is inevitable. So it's a strength not a brain malfunction. Anyway I will pray on that understanding so that I may be in peace with her death as well as my emotions.
I did not crack although towards the end of the evening I began to experience nausea and headaches again. I thankfully to Christ did not allow that to let me stop at just anywhere and eat just anything. I got a sub from Subway and spent 5 bucks, no chips no drinks. I got tuna and filled it with veggies. I had no more than a cup of tea when I got home, however I only had about 6 cups of water.
This morning I woke up early and found out that my cousin was in bad shape in the hospital. A few hours later I found out that she has passed on. I began to think about my feelings and emotions and I figure that now during this time of fasting and praying that I should deal with my issues regarding death. I have never been highly emotional about it and can never bring myself to cry. This has all the elements though I mean I look talk and act just like my cousin Sheila and I looked up to her. I really love her, but she's been battling with breast cancer and though it was in remission it allowed pneumonia to come along and take her earth life. I should be devastated, and the only thing that makes me sad is that im not very sad.
For years i've battled with thoughts that maybe I could have traits of a sociopath. I don;t ever get highly emotional about much, I do cry but my sensitivity cuts in more out of empathy and sympathy than personal experiences. My connections in life are just different than most. I grew up with an understanding of death and never witnessed my mother fall all outon a casket or even cry over a death. Even when her parents died, or when she buried her brother or her god parents. She always remained so positive and always claimed to know. She'd get a weird chill that ran down her arm and she would say that someone was about to die, and someone close to the family or in our neighborhood would die.
I think I have those senses too. I knew when I heard she was not doing well that she would die this morning. Plus recently i've been been catching death headlines more than usual and had a feeling that it's that time to bury someone I know. Sometimes you just feel it, and so when you know, I guess it makes it easier when it happens.
I woke up this morning freaking out around 5:50, it was still dark outside and I heard a bus going by, I woke up and the bus was so loud and seemed like it was passing by forever and I saw my phone lighting up but it looked as if the flashing light was coming from outside. I thought immediately that armed forces were outside and something life changing and really bad was about to happen. It took me about 2 minutes to realize that this was all in my head. But looking back on it, I think that I have a morbid connection to tragedy in a sense and being that I could feel sadness and pain, I knew that death was in the air.
So I fight with the devil telling me that im sick in the mind that i have no feelings, but I know that's not true, I hurt and I cry and I feel sadness and happiness, and joy. But I think God is revealing to me that I have a strength, and a 6th sense for understanding that there is another life, and I deem death to be an extension of ones life, not the end. I also know that I can't go where they are going right now, and it sucks not to have them around but it is inevitable. So it's a strength not a brain malfunction. Anyway I will pray on that understanding so that I may be in peace with her death as well as my emotions.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Day 2 of 7 Consecration Journey
1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
This consecration journey may take several scriptures and prayers to really sink in. As I read this I get it, it's cool who care about the way you look, God sees the heart. However, there is still this feeling of dissatisfaction that tells me, you don't like your weight and you will always have to be mindful of your fat hanging out or looking plump in photos, and you don't want to live that way. You want to be able to not think about your looks at all because you're neither dissatisfied with them or thinking about them.
That sounds easy enough but deep down I know that if I looked the way i wanted i'd be totally consumed with my beauty. Beauty or virtuosity. It's exactly what I went through with joy or happiness, and I realize all I can do is ask God to reveal to me what living life inside out looks like. What is to get up get dressed, look exactly the way God made me with no enhancements, not look into a mirror and not step on a scale every morning and be secure in God not secure in my looks?
God does not want us to be insecure at all, but he also does not want us to be secure in this false idea of a positive self-image. Its about saying completely skip all the talk of self image and go straight to the soul. So maybe it's not my weight or skin that bothers, maybe i'm still not whole and am not secure in my relationship with God enough to where I am completely sustained. Maybe I still have a percentage of me that has not completely let go to abide in Christ so I'm still depending on the way I look to compensate me for which I am lacking.
Phillippians 4:11-13 says I am not telling you this because I need anything. I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens. I know how to live when I am poor and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at anytime in everything that happens, when I have enough to eat and when I go hungry, when I have more than I need and when I do not have enough. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
This means that no matter what, I have to be oblivious to my outer appearance and situation and live completely at the core at all times. I must be aware of the state i'm in, but for no other reason that to make sure that I am using the situation to serve God in whichever way he wants to use me. But no matter what I am satisfied because I am rich in the core. SO how do I become rich in the core?
Conquering the Fast Day 2 of 7
Well last night I successfully completed one day from sun up to sun down at least time wise. I did however question my productivity through the day with my fasting and also my devotional time not being increased through the day of fasting. During my moment of weakness and craving I did dry out to the Lord and prayed for strength to continue out in obedience, but i still feel like i have room to grow in the area of fasting for a better relationship with Christ. I can't help but think about my weight and how it will affect me that way. I also can't stop thinking about the hunger and about the headaches and nausea when it happens, but I want to tap into the truly spiritual purpose of fasting.
It was revealed to me that I eat out of a nervous habit. After my fast was broken I had a well balanced dinner, and I was not fat full but surely satisfied. During the election process I started to snack incessantly throughout the election watch. I even said to my mother, "just let me snack." The sin was already committed.
This morning I did not start with my devotional, I had a heart felt talk with a friend and an accountability session with my partner in this Quiana. I will do my devotional in a minute and report back with my consecration journey. I did however reveal that I have a hard time separating my purpose for this all, is it for the sake of discipline to make God look good through my life, or is it because im insecure about my body. So today my focus will be on my own dealings with being ok with my self image, and making sure all decisions are for the love of God.
It was revealed to me that I eat out of a nervous habit. After my fast was broken I had a well balanced dinner, and I was not fat full but surely satisfied. During the election process I started to snack incessantly throughout the election watch. I even said to my mother, "just let me snack." The sin was already committed.
This morning I did not start with my devotional, I had a heart felt talk with a friend and an accountability session with my partner in this Quiana. I will do my devotional in a minute and report back with my consecration journey. I did however reveal that I have a hard time separating my purpose for this all, is it for the sake of discipline to make God look good through my life, or is it because im insecure about my body. So today my focus will be on my own dealings with being ok with my self image, and making sure all decisions are for the love of God.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Day 1 of 7 Consecration Ezr 8:21-23
This scripture tells my story. I'm on my way back to a new place of deliverance. It's the same road but it's going to a new place. Just like the last time I don't know what to do, and God reveals to me, "you can't do it without fasting, I expect more from you now." I was ashamed to ask anyone what to do because the fact is that I lack discipline in all areas of my life, and some of the areas seem trivial and silly. As soon as I prayed and decided to fast, my discipler asked me a question that gave me an opening to talk about my troubles, then I got a call from someone about accountability for themselves for the same issue. God started to deliver immediately. When you take the step of faith to pray and to fast, God works right along with you. This is a sacred ritual and covenant between humans and God and when we engage in sacrifice for time with God it pleases him and he gladly engages us and brings forth wisdom and opportunities for growth.
So as the scriptures say, I am asking God to show me his path and purpose and exactly how to live day to day in his will, and the scriptures promise me, that he will answer my prayers.
So as the scriptures say, I am asking God to show me his path and purpose and exactly how to live day to day in his will, and the scriptures promise me, that he will answer my prayers.
Conquering the Fast Day 1 of 7
I have never been able to fast, I just never understood it, and the times I've tried I woke up saying I would, and somewhere throughout the day I just decided it was over when i got hungry. I did a Daniel's fast with my church when I first started with Awakenings Movement, but I treated it like a diet and it was not a fast considering it was superficial. Plus I broke it once throughout the two week process. So I realized that I completely am lacking discipline in my life and thus I must conquer fasting.
I'm no longer a baby, i'm not on the spiritual milk, I'm delivered beyond the notion of pleasing God just because I pray every night and consider myself to be more aware of my choices and I serve in the community. No, God is now delivering me in my regular day to day life. He is working on my discipline of food, finances, and the way I ask for guidance. Where I used to just say prayers and talk to God in the car, he wants me to humbly come to him with fasting, and devotionals and intentional prayer. He wants me to tithe my finances and my time. God wants me to grow up.
Today God has revealed a few things to me:
1. I am not intentional with my eating or spending habits, I am completely out of control.
2. That bubble into the fact that I am not discplined with my writing because I don;t journal daily either.
3. I lack discipline all together in all areas of my life.
Day 1 big reveal
I must become a planner and continue to pray for discipline and organization.
Practicalities for the next 6 days
1. Journal everyday
2.Excersise of some sort every day
3. Fast from sun up to sun down every day
4. Wake up earlier than 9AM every day
5. Write down what I eat and spend.
6. Consecrate on a scripture every day.
7. Pray over my revelation, my scripture, and my goals every day.
Goals for my fast
1. Develop a schedule for my time, eating, and spending
2. Develop a fasting schedule for here on out
3. Become accustomed to my daily writing along with my devotional
4. Become more disciplined in my prayer
5. Lose 2-5 pounds
6. Drink at least the minimun in water intake daily
7. Become more disciplined in every area in my life
-I have a tight schedule with meetings and deadlines
-I know how I spend the majority of my money
-I tithe intentionally
-I pray intentinally for at least 30 min a night
-I excersise daily
-I eat for nourishment
-I write daily
-I meet all my deadlines
-I start to become financially independant and responsible
-I become physically healthy
Rewards Weekly
1. Dessert on Weekends
2. A Bi-weekly movie
Rewards Monthly
1. A shopping day with budgetted shopping savings.
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